Thoughtful reviews, the Boulder film scene

" I’ll be monitoring your frequency "
— Zoe Saldana, Star Trek

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In I Am Number Four, Michael Bay meets John Hughes and the end result bites.

Weird Science

Number Four and Number Six: Are their days numbered?
Number Four and Number Six: Are their days numbered?

There’s this heart throb kid, ya see, who’s actually a space alien hiding out on Earth. Let’s get that kid Alex Pettyfer. He’s grown up bunches since he made Alex Rider: Operation Stormbreaker. This movie’s gonna make him a star!

He and his guardian are being chased by aliens with whom they’ve been at war. They hide out in Paradise, Ohio. It’s a tiny town, sorta like Twin Peaks, only not as creepy. But – do ya get it? He’s in Paradise and he meets the love of his life, Sarah. I betcha we can get that cute girl from Glee, Dianna Agron. This movie’s gonna make her a star!

Oh – but wait! It gets better!

There’s this other hot chick in tight black leather. Is she good? Is she evil? She certainly can kick ass, either way! Teresa Palmer was so nice and sweet in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. This will make people think twice!

Throw in loads of CGI effects and ka-BAM, ka-POW! We’ve got ourselves a new franchise!

Sixteen Candles

Well. No.

Whatever the pitch meeting was like, I Am Number Four hits the screen as a passionless, dopey sci-fi flick that squanders an extremely likable, very game young cast. More astoundingly, though, it’s the end product of screenwriters Alfred Gough, Miles Millar, and Marti Noxon. Collectively, they’ve got titles like Spider-Man 2, Smallville, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer to their credit and yet this botch up practically relegates them to hack status.

In fairness, they’re working with source material written under the pen name of Pittacus Lore (as part of The Lorien Legacies), which is in reality Jobie Hughes and James Frey. The latter wouldn’t know reality if it bit him in the buttocks; his other misdeeds include the notorious faux memoir A Million Little Pieces. That’s the book that made even Oprah offer up a mea culpa.

And so it is the hyper reality of high school life – high drama, bullies, puppy love, teen angst – merges with ADD action and becomes, theoretically, perfect Michael Bay material. But it’s not a good sign Bay opted for a producing role and left the directing chores to D.J. Caruso, who’s enjoyed his biggest successes with Shia LaBeouf in Disturbia and Eagle Eye.

Bad Boys

Whatever the logic of the source mythology, the good guys are numbered. John Smith (Pettyfer) is Number Four and Numbers One, Two, and Three have all been killed by the evil Mogadorians. As the sign in the spooky Paradise “Spring Scream” haunted hayride says, “Your number’s up!”

On the lam, Four meets Six, who goes by the name Jane Doe (Palmer), and they attempt to open up some whoop ass on the ugly bad guys.

They’re going by those generic aliases because, as Four’s guardian, Henri (Timothy Olyphant, Live Free or Die Hard) so succinctly stated, they’re not trying to be original, they’re trying to be invisible.

Unfortunately, Four doesn’t have it all together. He so confidently tells Henri he knows how to blend in, then in the very next scene is seen walking up to the high school with his hoody’s hood pulled over his head. And he’s the only kid with his hoody pulled up.


The sad thing is the scene wasn’t supposed to be funny.

Amid all the misfires, hopefully one message will stick with the youngest kids for whom this Scholastic-at-the-movies is intended: “Stay off the Internet!”

Amid all the commotion over constant Facebooking, texting, sexting, and surfing, it is refreshing to see a story in which the guardian continuously scours the Internet for photographs – regardless of their incriminating or innocuous nature – and erases them. In this sci-fi flick, online photos are an easy way for the baddies to find their prey and track them down.