Thoughtful reviews, the Boulder film scene

" My kind of trouble doesn’t take vacations. "
— Chuck Norris, Lone Wolf McQuade

MRQE Top Critic

Beauty and the Beast

Diamond edition adds to a top-notch film —Andrea Birgers (DVD review...)

Beauty and the Beast fall for each other

Sponsored links

Say what? You’re telling me that a typical high school kid can become a half vampire, a condition that gives him access to some vampire powers, but still allows him to venture out during daylight? You’re also telling me that our hero falls for a girl with a monkey tail, and that there are good vampires — they sip a bit of blood and move on — and bad vampires — they go for the jugular?

Of course, you’re not telling me any of this, but the new movie Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant does exactly that and more. Much more. Glutted with freaks and geeks, Cirque du Freak tells a story from a series of books by author Darren Shan. It starts well enough, but eventually wears out its welcome, resorting to violent clashes that dump the movie into a creatively exhausted heap.

The only interesting performance is Reilly's, unless you're curious about Hayek's beard
The only interesting performance is Reilly’s, unless you’re curious about Hayek’s beard

The story centers on Darren (Chris Massoglia), a straight-arrow high school student. Darren’s best friend (Josh Hutcherson) is more rebellious and angry, but it’s Darren who’s turned into a half vampire, a transformation that has something to do with his destiny. That’s with a capital “D.”

John C. Reilly appears as Larten Crepsley, a vampire who takes Darren under wing — or is it under fang? I guess it’s under wing because these vampires don’t seem to have fangs. They take refuge at the campsite of a traveling freak show, which has been declared neutral territory for both kinds of vampires — good and bad — by its ringmaster Mr. Tall (Ken Watanabe).

The script sets up a murky conflict. The evil Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris) and his pal Murlaugh (Ray Stevenson) try to goad Crepsley into a war between the good and bad vampires. The bad vampires are known as the Vampanese, a name I rather like. Fun to say, isn’t it?

I can’t imagine that anyone has been longing to see what Salma Hayek looks like with a beard, but the movie affords the curious just such opportunity. She plays a hormonally challenged freak who also happens to be Crepsley’s love interest. Willem Dafoe appears briefly and superfluously. The only truly interesting performance is given by Reilly. His Crespley is too world-weary to be especially menacing but not too tired to be arch.

I’m betting that the 200-year-old Crespley, if given a half a chance, might have nasty things to say about the strangely excessive plot, which — by the end — seems to exist mostly to set up a series of sequels. I may pass. I didn’t hate watching Cirque du Freak, but it certainly didn’t make me hungry for more.

Note: I’ve read that Shan’s books are aimed squarely at tweens, but I noticed lots of younger children at a preview screening. The level of violence and profanity may be mild by R-rated standards, but this one seems questionable for little ones. The movie is rated PG-13.